Destruction...

I wonder, why am I here in this world? It makes no difference even if I'm gone. I expect no one to even shed a tear for me if I'm gone.

I feel like I'm going crazy with this cold war. The cold war between me and my mom. That's what I'm saying. She sees her way as only the best and won't even accept my thoughts and feeling? Why is this so? All religion talk bout filial piety (not kuih paitee mind you!) but isn't there something where they also talk about children cannot choose their parents and same goes the other way round? It's not like I just want to play all day and ignore my studies and stuff. I totally understand that when there's time for work and for play.

Even though this family can be said to be broken many years ago, why must I go through all this? I know there are many families having similar problems, but how come their parents are not so calculative? Everything I do, my mom will always be calculating with me. I already said I'll study, why can't she just trust me. Why the need to call my college up and check on me? Why want my college to call her everytime I'm absent? Does she know how humiliating it is or not? How'd it feel like if I call her boss and her HR department to check on her to see if she left early, apply for leave or late for work?

Speaking of which, she goes to the Buddhist temple to listen to talks and this and that, always helping out in the temple. It's not to say bad, but it really give me the feeling that she cares more of her Sunday school and temple that this house! (Seriously!) Buddhist? I say bullsh*t! If she ever say she is trying to be a good Buddhist, someone just please help me slap her in the face. There's one word I learned about from the temple and it's called Kalyana Mitra, it's a Pali word for spiritual friend. I used to believe I can find a kalyana mitra in temple until I realize that those in the temple are just far worse that those people we call 'pai kia'. Those in the temple are just so power hungry and can backstab, boot licking and do many other things to attain their goals. Those 'pai kia' outside are more human than those I've seen in the temple. Therefore, there tattoo on my arm is born. It's in old chinese writing called 'yi' (setiakawan). Which mean faithful to friends and not abandoning them when a problem occurs.

She has no right to talk bad about my best buddies (my kalyana mitra). Even though we smoke, we drink and wasting our lives away playing midnight basketball, the give me the feeling of a family I never had! The brotherhood! We laugh together! We cried together! We faced the most challenging things together! What feeling has my mom gave me? She make me feel myself so worthless, nothing but piece of junk ready to be thrown away. She cause me to hate and bring so much destruction and despair.

If she actually has a chance to read this blog, all I want to say is 'Mom, I love you but please understand me and believe and accept what I'm doing!'. I am Jyn, therefore there's no comparison between me and anyone. I may not be the smartest, I may not be the most athletic, I may not be the the best in anything. But I am ME! I have my dreams, I have my visions, I have my goals for I am Jyn!